I Love, You. E
The purpose of my writings is to express my inner world: everything I write is an intimate conversation between pen and paper. The purpose of sharing these writings is to provide hope for anyone -even if it is just one person- who may be experiencing something similar. To feel alone in this vast universe is an unfortunate and harrowing experience. I should know, that I spent most of my life feeling alone and as if I didn’t belong. When I write I feel like I belong, like I have purpose: my life has meaning. Before I continue, thank you dear reader for embarking on this adventure with me. Sincerely, I thank you.
The last year and some odd months have been a period of great loss for me personally. The last year has also been a period of connecting with my inner self and acceptance and defense of self: a period of great discovery. This poem starts with some of the most hurtful and harsh words that were written for me. They were not intended to be harsh, or even hurtful. In fact, the author wrote them with love and their goal was to soothe. Yet, contradictory actions and those words would damage my heart and fill me with great emotional pain. Within that pain, I discovered myself.
Loss can either be an impenetrable mist hiding all things or a great light revealing great mysteries.
I Love You, E
“The world owes you a debt that cannot be paid… I see you… anyone that gets to is privileged.” -K
Privileged…
The scars on my skin are nothing compared to the scars covering my soul: sexually abused from 5-10; emotionally abused from birth to… physically abused by parents who said it was all in love. Abused by my own tongue and, hand.
Privileged…
All I ever wanted, since a child, was someone to hold me, to be there, never to leave me. A person who would not pity, but respect the person I am -regardless of my flaws.
Privileged…
Flaws that I did not ask for-wounds I could not protect myself from. Yet, all of them, the reaction to, I am responsible for.
Privileged…
If you want to walk by my side throw your pity to the swine.
All I want is someone who will say-
“The world owes you a debt that cannot be paid. And I am privileged to be a part of your story. I see you. I love you. I support you.” -EJB
For, those are the words I tell myself.
I see you, E!
I love you, E!
I support you, E!
I LOVE YOU, E!
-EJB.
Wanted, Never
This poem is a reflection of overlooking a problem within a relationship and how my childhood messages influenced my thinking that this was acceptable. If a person who loves you -and the woman this poem is about deeply loved me- tells you, in whatever sequence of words, that they did not want you and they do not follow that statement with validation that their view has changed do the hardest thing you’ll ever do and leave. The relationship is doomed if both parties don’t want it, and that will ebb and flow: it is natural to question yourself in any relationship, but ultimately for the relationship to continue one must continue to choose the other and want them. You should be with a person you want and they want you. The woman who spoke these words to me was not intentionally aiming to harm, she knew not what she was saying and I am convinced if she had the reference point to understand this she should have validated her love -that understanding is partly why I overlooked this egregious statement. Her childhood teachings were that her feelings and desires were scary and would lead to her being hurt, no matter how good they were for her. Dear reader, I caution you not to carry the burden of healing and growth for other people longer than you can bear, because in doing so you abandon your own healing and growth. Our love was a tragedy, but from any tragedy can come some of the most beautiful things.
Wanted, Never
We lay next to each other:
Those were always my fondest moments,
Foreheads touching as we held deep discussions,
Hands held tightly as we existed together in silence,
This time you told me words that tore,
I never wanted you.
My heart stopped, understanding ceased;
As if you knew -the cruelty of your words-
Thank my friend, she convinced me.
That was it- no validation, no change of heart,
I knew, in that moment, we were doomed.
Time had set on our future -
Would that I had left that night:
Protecting my heart from the destruction wrought.
But I stayed, having been taught as a child-
I was not wanted.
Since that moment I gave you all of me:
Slowly you gave less of yourself.
Now we stand continents apart-
Torn to pieces by our love you never wanted.
Getting to Know You
I wanted to get to know you,
Everything about you:
The things you laughed at,
Loved to do with your spare time-
The reason you curled your nose-
The food you enjoyed to cook the most-
I wanted to know what made you angry
What made you sad and teary-eyed-
The things that made you happy and glad.
All these and so much more were my goal to discover.
Like a pioneer to be the first to learn.
Your triggers that scared-
The comforts that chased the scary’s away.
What you endured as a child, a teenager, and adult.
How I could make space for all versions of you.
I chose to love you no matter the day-
I was hoping to get to know you:
That’s why I called and asked what you needed-
To stop seeing each other is what you said.
It is no wonder I was so hurt,
I could not let go of you:
I was betrayed at the very moment,
I was professing my deep love for you.
Fireflies
At a high school graduation, I remember a beautiful girl asking me if I wanted to catch fireflies with her. If you knew me now you’d be shocked I turned down her offer-I was being a good Christian young man. That moment is one of those regrets I hold with me. The regret of experiencing an innocent moment of life with another human being.
a few months ago I looked out the kitchen window and saw fireflies dancing in the night air. A few moments later I wrote this poem. Inevitably the poem ends with the same question I’ve often asked since that summer night of 09’, “who wants to experience life’s innocent moments with me”?
I saw fireflies at dusk,
Glowing by their little butts.
We never got to spend time together in summer,
Would you have caught fireflies with me -
Lie in the evening grass by my side,
Lightning bugs glowing in our jar of glass,
Holding hands as we looked up to the stars?
Wishing upon the universe this moment lasts -forever?
I saw fireflies at dusk,
Thought of you in denim overalls-
Laughing together, catching those magical bugs
Two adults playing like children
Existing as if they were the only two alive.
My heart smiled as it released your hold.
That magical glow enough for me,
Will either find a soul as fit as us to each other?
Only time will tell, as—
Fireflies glow in the waning light.
Never Were We Alone
This will be the last heartbroken poem I post -for some time at least. This poem is vulnerable and an ode to the tragedy of love between two people afraid of being abandoned who are unable to lay down their fears and see each other for who they are. I’ve written close to thirty poems about the relationship this poem refers to, but none have really captured the tragedy quite like this journey. I believe that in all we do we should always seek resolution where wrong was done and offer forgiveness, even if it is not asked. This is not to ignore that we must protect ourselves if physically or emotionally in danger -protecting oneself does not require holding on to fury. The right decision for us was not to continue a friendship after this breakup -even though she wanted to, and she was upset at me for setting that boundary. The love we had for each other was not love that transitions to friendship -this was the flame of lovers, and it could not be maintained by the thread of a friendship. The lesson here: always do your best to gain perspective in any situation -at times that will be easy, and at times difficult. For it is in this perspective that we can see what is reality and what is the story we tell ourselves because it feels better than reality. In all things, you have a choice, and you must choose -even to do nothing is to choose. Take ownership of those choices. Be responsible for who you are and what you do. In doing that you will never be alone, because you will be surrounded by people who are like you. In doing this the fears of your past will melt away as you courageously face those demons and banish them back to hell.
You told everyone you were afraid,
That you never knew you could feel this way about me.
Some asked if I abused you.
The truth: I loved you without condition.
Something I’d given none before.
Committed to you through moments easy and hard.
Held you when anxiety struck;
Supported when life your energy did suck.
I loved you even when you avoided those feelings of care.
This is not to remove doubt of my faults:
I have them, plenty as the next.
It was you I chose to do the work with-
You, who made it all a little bit easier.
Even in those final moments, as anxiety grabbed hold of me:
And rational thought gave way to emotional pain,
I loved and gave to you.
Yet, you slandered my character for reasons known to you alone.
Did you also tell them you could not identify the feeling?
That you left for something you did not understand?
Were you truthful with them?
The reality is that the closer we grew:
The more you ran from our emotional intimacy.
I watched you become more distant and more closed:
The more our intimacy grew,
The colder your heart became-
You wrote me, that you were not afraid of me hurting you-
But you didn’t know what it was, and it scared you nevertheless,
And you still wanted to talk, be a part of each other’s life.
Only you will know the fear you felt:
But I can say, the fear was of love without condition
Because I felt the same, before you did:
I chose our love over my fear ,
To face the demon whose will was to rip us apart-
To dance with you through life navigating each up and down.
But any waltz requires two and you danced out the door.
Leaving me alone on the tear-stained hardwood floor.
Here’s the reality I could not see then:
Our memories were filled with trauma,
The closer we grew the more we pushed and pulled.
Out of fear that we’d be hurt in the ways of our past,
We danced away from each other,
Both scared that the other would leave a wounded heart.
You told me as much once-
But I did not listen,
All I saw were two scared souls, who-
If joined could conquer any obstacle.
That is why, that night before you left me,
I was trying to tell you, I saw how scared you were,
And I wanted to know how to be there, for you
To help bring you back to safety,
Because I understood what it was to be afraid of love.
For another month I made attempts to prove this point-
Not knowing the words I was speaking-
A slave to the pain inside.
This is why I forgive you,
And love you from a distance.
You did what you knew to make yourself safe,
Perhaps, all in the wrong way-
Certainly, in painful and hurtful deeds.
I was given your best,
That is all I could ask.
So, continue on your path:
Knowing there are those who wish you freedom from your fear,
Who will work to be there for you in the ways you need.
I was one: there will be another.
You are not alone-
We are not alone.
Never were we alone.
Celebrate
There is a great power in recognizing mistakes -and in this case America’s “mistakes” are evil, the awareness of which allows us to grow and change. We cannot bring awareness if we ignore, or blot out the dark chapters of our history. What better time than during a national holiday celebrating the birth of this country to reflect on the wrongs committed against others? This toddler nation, with only 250 years of history, has accomplished so much because of the technological boom, but there is still so much potential to be captured. Every American is not treated as equal, and many Americans are actively having their rights stripped from them each month. Imagine if we could bridge the gap between all walks of life and infuse our society with a system of values and laws that accurately reflected what each American needs. What greatness could we achieve that would propel us forward? That is the purpose of this poem, to draw attention to a dark and evil past while shedding light on all the potential our future has. It is aimed at the youth because they hold the fate of this nation in their hands.
Happy Fourth of July!
Celebrate young patriots,
A mighty nation birthed with determination.
The global superpower that toppled evil.
Celebrate young patriots,
A nation that massacred another-
Stole their land and gave them only a portion.
Celebrate young patriots,
The genocide of a continent’s occupants.
Celebrate young patriots,
Ships with tall sails and halls full-
Of humans hunted from their own homes.
Celebrate young patriots,
The slavers whip as it tears human flesh.
Celebrate young patriots,
A mighty nation bloodied by civil war-
Over the enslavement of people.
Celebrate young patriots,
A country segregated by melanin.
Celebrate young patriots,
Women whose rights are not theirs-
Whose bodies are legislated by men in cheap suits.
Celebrate young patriots,
A country whose DNA flows with evil ignored.
Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!
Oh, young patriot, celebrate!
You are the future youth will remember.
Oh, young patriot, celebrate,
Never to forget-
The terrible and the great-
That is your fate.
Oh, young patriot, celebrate!
The power of the people to change their destiny-
To make those in power tremble with mighty fear.
Oh, young patriot, celebrate!
This nation is yours to shape for the better.
Join hands with those from different paths.
Oh, young patriot, celebrate!
The strength of each adventure –
A new string of DNA.
Oh, young patriot, celebrate!
That you are no more the sum of your past-
Then the choice of your present.
Oh, young patriot, celebrate!
A future filled with equality for all.
Or watch this mighty nation fall.
Hurt Yourself
A tragic poem about two loves with different views on the relationship.
Heartbreak is probably one the greatest enigmas of humanity: we do everything in our power to avoid the pain, yet our actions of avoidance steer us directly into heartbreak. A few days ago I had a thought about a recent love lost: “What if the walls we built to protect ourselves from harm were the very walls that kept us from the love that would protect and nourish us?” Less complicated: love is what protects us, not walls, tests, and distance. To many of us love is a binary code we plug and play in various situations to create outcomes that match expectations we do not understand. Our love, though, is only as powerful as our connection to ourselves. We cannot produce love greater than our internal love for ourselves: if your love for yourself is toxic or anemic, your love for others will be toxic or anemic. Through connection with our inner self, we learn how to love more fully. This should be taught in our most formative years as children, but the generations that have raised today’s adults spent their childhood surviving great global turmoil: all they knew was survival, all they could teach their children was survival. And so, here, this next generation sits —with great abundance and great choice: do we continue as the generation in survival mode or evolve?
I believe the best way to love, especially if you are still healing and growing, is by finding people who want to support you. A telephone pole supports the telephone wires, it does not ask them to be anything more or anything less. That is the tragedy of this poem: two people coming together with different views of themselves and goals for the relationship and it ends in pain. The last stanza can be read from either perspective and represents the dual nature of reality.
You said to me:
We shouldn’t get together.
You said to me:
I hurt people.
I said to you:
I am responsible for my choices.
I said to you:
Let's heal together.
You had no words,
We were no more.
You hurt yourself,
More deeply than you could ever hurt me.
