Never Were We Alone

This will be the last heartbroken poem I post -for some time at least. This poem is vulnerable and an ode to the tragedy of love between two people afraid of being abandoned who are unable to lay down their fears and see each other for who they are. I’ve written close to thirty poems about the relationship this poem refers to, but none have really captured the tragedy quite like this journey. I believe that in all we do we should always seek resolution where wrong was done and offer forgiveness, even if it is not asked. This is not to ignore that we must protect ourselves if physically or emotionally in danger -protecting oneself does not require holding on to fury. The right decision for us was not to continue a friendship after this breakup -even though she wanted to, and she was upset at me for setting that boundary. The love we had for each other was not love that transitions to friendship -this was the flame of lovers, and it could not be maintained by the thread of a friendship. The lesson here: always do your best to gain perspective in any situation -at times that will be easy, and at times difficult. For it is in this perspective that we can see what is reality and what is the story we tell ourselves because it feels better than reality. In all things, you have a choice, and you must choose -even to do nothing is to choose. Take ownership of those choices. Be responsible for who you are and what you do. In doing that you will never be alone, because you will be surrounded by people who are like you. In doing this the fears of your past will melt away as you courageously face those demons and banish them back to hell.

You told everyone you were afraid,

That you never knew you could feel this way about me.

Some asked if I abused you.

The truth: I loved you without condition.

Something I’d given none before.

Committed to you through moments easy and hard.

Held you when anxiety struck;

Supported when life your energy did suck.

I loved you even when you avoided those feelings of care.

This is not to remove doubt of my faults:

I have them, plenty as the next.

It was you I chose to do the work with-

You, who made it all a little bit easier.

Even in those final moments, as anxiety grabbed hold of me:

And rational thought gave way to emotional pain,

I loved and gave to you.

Yet, you slandered my character for reasons known to you alone.

Did you also tell them you could not identify the feeling?

That you left for something you did not understand?

Were you truthful with them?

The reality is that the closer we grew:

The more you ran from our emotional intimacy.

I watched you become more distant and more closed:

The more our intimacy grew,

The colder your heart became-

You wrote me, that you were not afraid of me hurting you-

But you didn’t know what it was, and it scared you nevertheless,

And you still wanted to talk, be a part of each other’s life.

Only you will know the fear you felt:

But I can say, the fear was of love without condition

Because I felt the same, before you did:

I chose our love over my fear ,

To face the demon whose will was to rip us apart-

To dance with you through life navigating each up and down.

But any waltz requires two and you danced out the door.

Leaving me alone on the tear-stained hardwood floor.

Here’s the reality I could not see then:

Our memories were filled with trauma,

The closer we grew the more we pushed and pulled.

Out of fear that we’d be hurt in the ways of our past,

We danced away from each other,

Both scared that the other would leave a wounded heart.

You told me as much once-

But I did not listen,

All I saw were two scared souls, who-

If joined could conquer any obstacle.

That is why, that night before you left me,

I was trying to tell you, I saw how scared you were,

And I wanted to know how to be there, for you

To help bring you back to safety,

Because I understood what it was to be afraid of love.

For another month I made attempts to prove this point-

Not knowing the words I was speaking-

A slave to the pain inside.

This is why I forgive you,

And love you from a distance.

You did what you knew to make yourself safe,

Perhaps, all in the wrong way-

Certainly, in painful and hurtful deeds.

I was given your best,

That is all I could ask.

So, continue on your path:

Knowing there are those who wish you freedom from your fear,

Who will work to be there for you in the ways you need.

I was one: there will be another.

You are not alone-

We are not alone.

Never were we alone.