My Child: Epiphany

One thing that we often miss about the human experience is that each individual is responsible for their individual emotions and actions. Much has been written, and certainly, we have a justice system dependent on the truth that humans are responsible for their own actions. How do we view emotions, though? Perhaps, the greatest lie we have allowed in society is that the other person is responsible for how I feel. We design our personalities around irresponsibility for our emotions and moods. Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Holocaust, wrote that the only thing a person can’t take from you is your ability to choose your own way. It is an indisputable fact that I was abused throughout my entire childhood. It is also an indisputable fact that only I am responsible for how I choose to respond to the abuse. This poem is what I believe to be the appropriate response: I am responsible for my emotions and moods, meaning I am responsible for saving myself.

There is no savior on the horizon because the savior was with you the entire time. You are the savior, don’t give away your power.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” -Viktor E. Frankl

My child in pain you cried out for help.

Your need from their abuse, you did not induce.

Those who could have helped.

Were not capable of holding you.

My child you cried in the dark

My child you chose to get back up.

My child, you applied the salve.

My child you held yourself.

My child you chose to be.

Accept the power in those moments.

Accept destiny in your own voice.

My child you are grown now,

And you protect yourself.

Vulnerability is okay,

Love is acceptable,

Breathe the air and feel life.

Your wounds will hurt, but they do not define you.

My child

Drift no more

Sails repaired.

Hull patched.

You need no savior,

For on that floor, you saved yourself.

My Child: The Wound

The last year has been filled with a lot of change for me and I have most definitely struggled to manage the pain from these changes in this season of my life. Last night I was going through workbooks and psychology on healing when I realized that the majority of my life has been spent learning why other people act the way they do and trying to adjust to navigating them. The technical term is people pleasing, which is a trait I am well aware I have: people pleasing protected me from the multiple waves of abuse I suffered as a child. Last night, for perhaps the first time, I went on to do a little research on why I react to life the way I do. I did not get far before the thoughts flowed and a filled out three pages of my reactions to life, why I react the way I do, and what significant event from my childhood is the trigger for those reactions. In therapy, I refer to these moments as epiphanies, because they are so deeply profound to me and are pivot points in my personality. I finish off my marathon self-therapy session and go to bed having a vivid dream about reconciliation and acceptance. This morning I woke up and after a few hours felt two poems growing inside me. I haven’t edited these poems -in any significant way, they are raw, and emotional, and are directed at me as a child. The goal of this website is to provide a platform for not only myself to express who I am, but for others who are suffering to find the courage to seek acceptance within themselves. There is an act of underdefined courage in facing abuse and choosing to define the abuse rather than the abuse defining you. Hopefully, through my words, anyone reading this can also find the courage that they always had and harness it for themselves.

In pain my child cried out,

Someone help, me?

Someone soothe, me?

Someone hold, me?

Alone in the night.

In the dark my child cried

No one held him!

No one soothed him!

No one helped him!

Tears staining the hardwood floor.

Wounded as a tiger gashed in the side:

My child grew.

Fearful of all around him

Wary of those who would be close:

Lest they disappear when needed

Hating himself.

My child, now a man

Drifting listlessly amongst the sea.

Sails tattered and battered.

Hull pierced and taking on water.

No savior on the horizon.

I See You

It’s been a while since I’ve posted (lots of life changes). This is the first version of this poem about love had, love lost, and love to be had.

Everyone wants to be seen, always take that extra moment to see them for who they are and not who you want them to be or who they were.

I see you,
Beautiful in your dress,
Like so few,
Twirling on the front porch,
As you do,
Smiling radiantly.
I see you,
Eyes full of hope.

I see you,
Hiding within yourself,
You withdrew,
Unsure of threats all around, 
The anger inside you a' brew,
Smile faded.
I see you,
Eyes filled with pain.

I see you,
Fighting against it all,
Giving to life it's just do,
Trying not to succumb,
Wanting someone to pursue.
Smiling.
I see you,
Eyes filled with determination

I see you:
Worthy of love,
Affection abounding
Dreams turned to reality,
Protected from all that would harm.
Surrounded by care.
I see you,

A shining star safe in the night sky.

Slaves to a Wisp

I wrote this poem in 2009 and edited it in 2023. This particular poem I am not going to give much explanation for. Instead it is intended for the reader to derive their own meaning and purpose from this words.

The air was cold.

A dismal grey

 Lit the way:

Birds sang mellow song.

And the wind stood still,

In meadows dying

No life was near.

But as the ‘morrow shone bright

And caressed by celestial rays,

The air warmed to the touch,

Birds sang their glorious songs,

And green meadows danced in the wind,

As rays of gold lit the day:

Life was near.

With a clap like a cannon!

And a strike as a whip!

The wind roared in wild fury.

And meadows danced in horror,

As darkness surveyed the land wide.

Beauty was swept in a violent fit.

In a horrible mask, contained;

Imprisoned by the fury of the night,

Chained to trees wild with rage.

Lost until the tempest was dissuade,

Life coward at its feet

Left to repeat this dismal being,

Tricked by illusions of time,

Deceived by hope never received,

Wander the dreams of time past.

Prisoners to their master.

Slaves to a wisp.

 -EJB

Living for the End

Words have their own rhythm which we abandon when we focus too much on grammar and what is technically correct. The colons in this stanza are not used correctly; however, they exist to contrast and enhance the message that for many life is a race to the next point often without recognition of where they were. A colon draws a direct relationship between two points; here the colon shows that without existing for now there is no relationship with then.

Like ants they scurry across the face of the planet:

Wake up: eat.

Eat: commute to work.

Work: take a lunch.

Lunch: return to work.

Work: commute to home.

Home: eat.

Eat: Sleep

Repeat

-EJB

There is a Building

I found this poem on my phone the other day and knew it was a great way to get back to poetry and writing. The simple structure of the stanzas is intended to leave the reader reflecting on the words and the imagery created in them. As with all poetry pay attention to the punctuation as they reflect the feelings you should experience throughout this poem.

There is a building:

On the far side of the sea.

I have not been there.

But I can see that building, grand.

One day,

When the call is made:

I will find that building:

On the far side of the sea.

A’non that day

I will explore,

And find all his treasure.

I will go there in peace.

No fears of mine to haunt me:

No worries left inside me:

On the far side of the sea

And when the days taunt me,

Harrow me, and fight me,

I will think of the building:

On the far side of the sea.

Now, I lay my head

Upon this pillow

My fears, washed away.

There is a building.

On the far side of the sea.

As I wake in the morning,

Look around to see,

There is no building:

On the far side of the sea

Though toils of the day burden me

I remember the sensation of that night,

Not so far gone.

When my worries,

My fears,

My dreams,

Haunted me:

On the far side of the sea.

I now look across,

And pity the loss:

My life was wrecked

On the far side of the sea.

Here now, my pity

Floats away from me

My life has now found its peace:

On the far side of the sea.

In that building:

On the far side of the sea

-EJB

Elections, Poems, and Books

One of the biggest influences for me in 2020 is a man named Rollo May: his books have helped unleash the cascade of thoughts, ideas, and pain I internally feel for a country that has done me much good while taking from so many unlike me. Some of those are pouring out in poetry that I will perform whenever we can return to open mic night or I have the studio space built to record them. Most have been thrown into a book that I am somewhere near 60% finished with. The purpose of this writing is to give you a preview of the book as a preface to a poem that I wrote yesterday: if one of us is bound by the chains of inequality we are all bound.

Do not expect change; affect change.

We cannot afford to be purists when it comes to our original social contract. And we cannot be so naïve as to expect the Supreme Court and Legislative branch to amend this contract coherent with the needs of a society when we offer little input. Representation works only when the Representative is voicing the opinion of those they stand in for. Yet, if those voices are mute how can one expect to be represented. If that all seems confusing suffice it to say do not send a builder to erect a home without a blueprint.

Drunk on Freedom: I am the Problem

I am the problem with America

Issues of inequality:

I blame, a political party.

There is, no future without equality,

If one man is bound by society

Then we all are enslaved by insanity

Yesterday, I saw through a blurry lens.

Today, I see clearly: your fate is my fate.

I must no longer hate

This feud I must cleanse.

I will stand in the gap for you, every day I take a breath.

 Not just when an election is near:

Not just when your family is visited by death

Of this I want to make myself clear.

I am the problem with America

Issues, of a, woman’s right:

I am as blind as night.

I am the problem in your life

Careless of a world, dead as an oxygen less arboretum.

Blissfully unaware of your strife;

Drunken on my freedom.

Yesterday, I was addicted to the taste of freedom

Today I no longer want my drunken state to suffocate,

To defecate;

To invalidate;

To deny, your chiefdom.

So, let me here,

Fight for freedoms you do not possess.

Let me, here, in modest verse, help to lift your fear:

Until there is no room, for even a single tear:

I am the problem with America

Encouraging hate through my silence:

Abdicating my power to a ballot,

Raising my fist in arrogant defiance

Drunken out of habit:

I am the problem with America:

No longer static.

Therapy: What No One, Says

*Everything I write is from my own personal experience. I am not a medical professional or therapist. What you read is my journey*

I do not want to my mince words, going to a therapist for the first time is daunting. There will be a time, likely while traveling to the appointment, where you think over and over and over and over about how you are meeting with a person you didn’t know, until recently, existed; then you will be expected to share the deepest depths of your being with them; and at the end they’ll ask for your money. A lot of people say, “Nope.” Which I think is an appropriate response to such an emotional approach to therapy. This is not your fault.

Therapy is surrounded by unhealthy expectations, and until we dispel them and have a more positive outlook on therapy it will continue, I want to focus on two:

Unhealthy Expectation: everyone should go to therapy

Life exists on an ever-changing spectrum: on a microscopic level we are not the same person now as we were ten seconds ago. On a macro level every year we are a different person than we previously were. This is to say that the you of five years ago may not have been able to accomplish anything in therapy and therefore shouldn’t have gone, but that could mean that the you of now does posses the skills to utilize therapy and grow from it. We tend to keep this rigid view of ourselves and apply it to every situation. Therefore, everyone should most definitely NOT go to therapy, but if it is right for you then you should go.

You are the only one capable of knowing when you should go to therapy. The feeling will be natural and empowering. That is not to say it will be easy, or without an emotional response, but you will know in every fiber of your being that the time is right, and you are on the correct path.

Unhealthy Expectation: you need therapy to be happy

The answer is just, no. You need internal balance to be happy. Therapy is a tool that can help you learn the skills needed to keep this balance. I want to be clear, a therapist does nothing for you. You do everything. The therapist is there to help you explore the areas you either do not know how to explore or do not want to. Once you have those skills you do not need the therapist any longer. Let this sink in before continuing further: you are the only person that can make yourself happy.

We must re-frame how we approach therapy and part of that process is accepting that seeking therapy is all about you. Michael Rosenberg did a lot of work teaching people how to appropriately express emotions and “happiness” by itself is an inappropriate expression of emotion. It is unhealthy to attach a single action, or even a group of actions, to your happiness. It is also unfair to yourself. Let us look at a healthy expectation for therapy and how we can achieve that goal.

Healthy Expectation for Therapy

The common theme among these two unhealthy expectations is the externalization of what is an internally intimate process. Healing, from any abuse, is as unique as one speck of snow from another speck. There may be similarities, and from a great distance it may look like it is all the same, but there are distinct and measurable differences to how each person heals. The labor of healing is that there is only one person who can recognize these differences: you. The therapist’s job is to guide you along this path: if you are expecting them to do the work is losing the battle before it begun. This process begins with speaking.

Conversation

Trust and Compatibility are the key to the therapist patient relationship:

Trust is built not inherited: just because you are paying for a therapist does not mean you have to automatically trust them. There are certain laws (HIPPA) that help foster trust, and certainly the longevity, schooling, and expertise of a therapist will play a roll in how you build trust; putting all of that aside you do not have to trust your therapist from day one, and at no point should you tolerate a therapist questioning your trust of them. Trust should grow organically and at the pace you set.

Compatibility is the most important thing you are looking for on that first session --you may not be fully compatible after the first session: human interaction is not a science. You are not obligated to return for another session (ever): a well trained, and professional, therapist should never pressure you for another session, make you feel shame for not returning, or in anyway pass judgement on you --they may follow up if they haven’t heard from you.

What Does This Look Like?

How you define compatibility is subjective to your own needs and wants. Rather than write an Encyclopedia of different ways to find compatibility with your therapist I’ll talk about how I approach therapy and what I look for in that first session –I too have had a few incompatible therapists prior to figuring out what works for me:

I am a big fan of Psychology Today’s database for finding therapists and that is where I begin my search –I have two separate therapists-- after identifying what I most need out of therapy: for me it is someone who has experience with male sexual abuse survivors and sexual healing. In North Carolina there is only one psychologist with experience in male sexual abuse that is practicing in the State. As far as sexual healing, therapists are rampant in North Carolina so I will use that search as my first example.

For this one I did not actually use Psychology Today because what I was looking for was specific and there are a lot of therapist in this field. I did a Google search and then began to weed through the results:

1.       Do they have a website?

2.       Are they a LCSW or Psychologist?

3.       Do they have a physical office separate of their home?

4.       Are they male (important for me because I do not like opening to males)?

5.       Do they have a good bio?

6.       Do they have a picture (no picture = no go?

I use a website as a qualifier because it helps me learn as much as I can about the therapist and the more knowledge I have about a person the more comfortable I will be around them.

I have had therapy with LCSW’s (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) and I haven’t found one that works well with my personality.

I do not feel comfortable spilling my deepest secrets in a person’s home and the distinction of a separate physical place helps me.

Having a male therapist also helps me learn appropriate male relationships.

The biography and picture show me about the person and whether I would be comfortable around them: maybe I see a picture of a person and feel warmth but read their bio and feel distance or vice versa.

For the first session I am open only about what I am looking achieve from therapy. After establishing goals, the rest is a conversation where I seek to learn a few things:

1.       Ease of conversation

2.       Comfortability

3.       How the therapist guides conversation

4.       Their body language

5.       Do they dominate the conversation?

6.       What is their story?

7.       What is their philosophy for therapy?

For the sake of brevity, I will not go into these in detail. The whole goal is to have an open and honest conversation and see if you click with the therapist. One of the key things that is stuck out to me with my first session with Carolina Sexual Wellness Center was when my therapist talked about how they had regular weekly meetings to discuss strategies and difficulties in sessions. This information was not anything I sought, and was not pushed by my therapist, it organically came out of conversation. At first it put me off because I felt threatened that someone could be discussing “my business” with other people: I had to rationalize the situation and when I did, I recognized that this showed a quality group of therapists that were dedicated to their job.

Finding a therapist is a more comprehensive process than getting a name and number. The entire journey, right through the last minute of that first session, is your interview of a therapist that you are looking to invite into the deepest parts of your soul.

Conclusion: You Are the Captain Now

You oversee the journey to healing. Ultimately, everything comes down to you and what your wants and needs are. Only so many guides, books, and blog posts can be written about therapy before it becomes pointless because eventually you must take the reins. The best advise I can give you is to give thought to what you need/want out of therapy. For example, I had a therapist that helped me learn to work through anger, he wasn’t a good fit for me on anything other than helping me work through anger, and when I finished his anger management course we never spoke again. That is the goal! You never want to speak to your therapist again – I exaggerate a little. From time to time you may need maintenance for certain things, but you want therapy to have an end. To have a clearly defined end you must have a clearly defined beginning. I think the best place to start is with you. No one says, “you are the Captain, now” that is a mantle you must take up on your own time.