Wanted, Never

This poem is a reflection of overlooking a problem within a relationship and how my childhood messages influenced my thinking that this was acceptable. If a person who loves you -and the woman this poem is about deeply loved me- tells you, in whatever sequence of words, that they did not want you and they do not follow that statement with validation that their view has changed do the hardest thing you’ll ever do and leave. The relationship is doomed if both parties don’t want it, and that will ebb and flow: it is natural to question yourself in any relationship, but ultimately for the relationship to continue one must continue to choose the other and want them. You should be with a person you want and they want you. The woman who spoke these words to me was not intentionally aiming to harm, she knew not what she was saying and I am convinced if she had the reference point to understand this she should have validated her love -that understanding is partly why I overlooked this egregious statement. Her childhood teachings were that her feelings and desires were scary and would lead to her being hurt, no matter how good they were for her. Dear reader, I caution you not to carry the burden of healing and growth for other people longer than you can bear, because in doing so you abandon your own healing and growth. Our love was a tragedy, but from any tragedy can come some of the most beautiful things.

Wanted, Never

We lay next to each other:

Those were always my fondest moments,

Foreheads touching as we held deep discussions,

Hands held tightly as we existed together in silence,

This time you told me words that tore,

I never wanted you.

My heart stopped, understanding ceased;

As if you knew -the cruelty of your words-

Thank my friend, she convinced me.

That was it- no validation, no change of heart,

I knew, in that moment, we were doomed.

Time had set on our future -

Would that I had left that night:

Protecting my heart from the destruction wrought.

But I stayed, having been taught as a child-

I was not wanted.

Since that moment I gave you all of me:

Slowly you gave less of yourself.

Now we stand continents apart-

Torn to pieces by our love you never wanted.