No Longer Alone

Perhaps the wildest thing for me to admit is that I have spent most of my thirty years as an emotional zombie. I was not taught about emotions and feelings as a child. My own feelings and emotions were not validated, and when I did feel if those feelings did not fit the narrative my parents thought was appropriate or made them feel uncomfortable. I was punished, shamed, or even beaten for expressing emotion. As a sexual abuse survivor this just as damaging for my development as the abuse I survived.

As an I adult I have struggled in relationships expressing my feelings and attracting to myself those who are comfortable with their own feelings. As the messages from my childhood play out over and over it has made for some difficult times and unsuccessful relationships.

The thought for this poem came to me a few days ago while I was thinking about how to describe what it feels like to be afraid of my parents. What those feelings were inside me and how they are expressed inside of me.

No Longer Alone

Your mother embraces you and you feel love:

Mine hugs me and I am scared.

Your father speaks and you feel inspired:

Mine talks and I feel fear.

My childhood was a place of danger.

Beaten for my feelings:

Punished for my pleas of help.

Used before I even had language to tell.

My childhood a house of horrors;

I survived alone.

Alone as a star a billion miles away in space.

I write these words so that I am no longer alone.

-EJB