The Forest
A direction I will be taking this blog is beyond posting my poetry, but also my short stories. This is the first short story I will post.
In a society where the product of it’s advancement is over-stimulation, we do not often allow ourselves to feel on our own. How often do we do this in relationship? Certainly, in the family I grew up in feeling was not exhibited in a healthy way -a point I’ve made in my poetry and posts here. What I have yet to do in my writings is view this from a positive perspective. I am attempting that here, and in this case I chose the setting to be a former couple coming together for a walk in the fall months to talk about their breakup.
The Forest
A, very imperfectly shaped, leaf broke away from the branch of a tree in the forest. Twirling gently in the wind this imperfectly shaped leaf slowly fell towards the already leaf strewn ground. Fall was in full effect, the breath of winter felt in the breeze. The leaves had all changed color and were falling to earth ready to be recycled for new life. This particular leaf was on it’s way to join the family when a man reached out and gently snatched it from the air and placed it in the red hair of the gal walking beside him. She stifled a pleased smile.
“Please, stop that. We are having a serious discussion.” She chided.
“You’re the forest queen now.” He nervously replied.
“It’s been eight months since we broke up, please don’t try to make me fall for you again.”
“I’m sorry. I feel anxious over this conversation. It’s been difficult for me leading up to this day.”
“Why?”
“I feel like… I feel remorseful over how we ended. More accurately I feel guilty we ended.”
“What do you feel guilty about? I thought it was appropriate.”
“I know. I did feel justified in breaking up.”
“You broke up with me!”
The man took a deep breath, “I know how this looks from your perspective. This is partly why I feel remorseful. I didn’t give you the chance I wanted. And I wanted….” Tears began to form in his eyes.
She put her hand on his shoulder, “It’s okay, I’m listening.”
He wiped his tears and sniffled, “Damn, this is hard. I broke up because I felt helpless and running is the only way I knew to find safety. It was not what I wanted.”
“But we always fought. And we never resolved.”
“I only fought you when I felt invalidated or humiliated. Those feelings frightened me and I tried to understand why you would “make” me feel that way. I couldn’t understand why someone who loved me wouldn’t want me to feel loved. Then I realized that I was so anxious and worried you would abandon me that your words and actions were being interpreted as threats. And I did not feel safe to express my feelings to you.”
“Did I do something to make you feel unsafe?”
“Yes and no.”
“What do you mean?”
“You would speak to me or others in ways that I didn’t agree with and rather than express my disagreement from my perspective I ignored them or tried to get you to fix this about you. It was like I was playing tennis with you, but after I hit the ball to your side of the court I would rush over and hit the ball for you rather than let you hit the ball back. I wasn’t very team friendly”
“That’s an interesting analogy.” She said curiously.
“What do you mean by that?”
“I just hadn’t thought of it that way. I thought you didn’t like anything about me and you thought I could do no right.”
The man stopped, tears fell freely down his cheek and his voice cracked causing him to pause, “I’… I’m sorry for not validating your experience and letting you do your own work. There is so much good I thought of you, so much respect I ha… have for you. It frustrates me that I couldn’t tell you these things more often and that I couldn’t tell you my perspective and let you be autonomous. It’s against who I want to be and I’ve been working hard to correct this about myself.”
Another leaf fell in front of them.
“I too processed things,” she said, “When I didn’t feel safe with you I would retreat into a ball of anxiety and either go silent or forget things. I can imagine this made you feel excluded and inadequate. When I did this I was feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. I could have let you in and asked you for space when I needed it or asked you to hold me when I was overwhelmed.”
The tears fell from her eyes now, her voice cracked as she continued, “You made me feel safe and like I mattered, but when we would fight it confused me and scared me and I did what I knew to be safe: I retreated. I wasn’t very team friendly, either.”
The man stopped, “I need to sit down.”
The both sat on a log in silence. Watching the half naked branches of the trees sway in the cool breeze as leaves fell to the ground.
“You know,” he said as their eyes looked above, “I never actually minded our fights. They made me feel good that we disagreed and had our own opinions. I so desperately wanted to let you in and show the other side of me. Through no fault of your own I couldn’t get to that part of me.”
“You know,” she said as their eyes looked above, “I never actually minded our fights either. I always felt like we were being free to be ourselves. I didn’t like that we couldn’t seem to reach any conclusions after we fought. We just kept fighting. I wanted to validate your feelings and let you know you were loved even when you disagreed or couldn’t say exactly what you wanted to say. To let you in and show you the other side of me. Through no fault of your own I couldn’t get to that part of me.”
“What do we do now?” He asked.
“I think for we just reached resolution with our disagreement.”
“What does that mean?” He asked, the frustration rising in his voice.
“What is the emotion you just felt?”
“Frustration… you know, we don’t need resolution to mean anything. It’s important we resolved.”
“I think that’s a great point, and I agree.”
They both sat together in silence for a very long time -some say forever- two souls existing in the same space allowing each other to experience the moment the way they chose to.
The End
