What is Manliness?
The other day I had a conversation with a person that made me react a way in which I no longer wanted to react, and so after some thought I came to the conclusion below. A conclusion that is much shorter than the discussion we need to have as a society, but one we could start having. There is no poetry attached to this post it is purely the ramblings of a person who has survived the worst of humanity and tries to be the best they can be each day-tries because they fail an awful lot.
I have often become defensive when people say “men are *insert negative* Which is normal: I am a man and by default I am included in that statement. The struggle for me is that I agree- to a degree. There is a part of me that hates men in a seething and nearly unhealthy way. The reasons all make sense: I was abused by my own brother and my father was emotionally immature. I have no core childhood memories of healthy manhood; and very little role models of what healthy masculinity looks like, and all that I do know I’ve had to learn through trial and error. There are valid reasons for the parts of me harboring this hate: for protecting me from what has always been a threat. If you say, “Men are” I reflexively ask myself, “Am I? Have I become the worst of what harmed me and indefinitely changed my destiny?”
I know the answer is no. I know who I am. I am secure in my own masculinity in all its ranges. I have worked hard to heal the versions I was taught as a child. I’ve worked to foster kindness and firmness all through the lens of empathy. I’ve learned to make space for my anger and given it a safe place to be expressed. And I did all this by my own choice. No one forced me. No one showed me. Yet here I stand questioning, “Am I masculine enough?” And my fear is that the language we use define men will stick them in these toxic ways we decry, indefinitely. The reality is that many men do not know they have been conditioned to lack empathy, that they have high levels of anxiety and if given the chance to change these parts of themselves they would. And that should be our focus. Empathy does not ask us to ignore our safety. But it does require us to interact with our environment with curiosity. And I think with a bit more curiosity we would see that the men who display as toxic just don’t know any better and if they were given actual resources and opportunities to overcome the negativeness of their fathers’ generations and grandfathers generations perhaps they would find a role in society that took less and gave more.
